Fear and Light

<p>It's remained that way because I've been afraid.</p> <p>Always, always in the pit of my stomach, deep down in the back of my lizard brain, there's this nagging voice when it comes to the low-level work, the real work, the type of code that real developers write</p> <blockquote> <p>You're not good enough. You can't make it work. You're not smart enough to figure it out.</p> </blockquote> <p>So I keep punting on the work. I keep pushing that bug fix further and further out and just hope that my code keeps working and that a random macOS point release doesn't bring it all crashing down.</p> <p>But two nights ago I sat down in my office. And just fucking did it. I told myself "no" was not an acceptable answer and dove into every arcane, unmaintained bit of Apple documentation I could find. Searched old Cocoa mailing lists for sample code, and finally, finally have a working solution.</p> <p>After thirteen, years I finally got past my own shit and mental demons and made it happen. I guess I was just fed up with myself constantly ducking out of doing the hard work. That, plus a looming deadline I <em>have to</em> meet, finally held my feet to the fire on this particular feature in a way that has never been done before. So many features. So many bug fixes. Thousands of customer emails and replies. Brainstorming sessions. UI mockups on the back up napkins at bars or doodling on a notepad while at my real job. But this one damn bug was always out of reach. And now it's done.</p> <p>To my future self ten years from now: this post is for you.</p>